This variation on the discourse of the four children in the Haggadah was (barring minor edits) first composed for my family’s experimental small-scale seder in 2019, my second time ever leading a seder. I had come to the conclusion that for a text whose entire ikkar is for the children to learn, the Four Children narrative shows some shockingly bad pedagogy. So I decided to write a subversive take on it, where I applied its framework to some of the most serious problems facing the Jewish community today, and the mainline Jewish community’s failings in dealing with them.