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This prayer is the third of seven prayers in a seder tefilah introduced with the following statement:
Gender transition is a religious experience. These are the psalms and prayers I, the Em haBanim, said at every phase of the long process of preparing for and undergoing vaginoplasty. I offer this set of prayers to the community, so that we can live in deeper awareness of the fact that Hashem our God wants our transitions.
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| Source (Hebrew) | Translation (English) |
|---|---|
בערב לפני הנתוח תתיחד ותכווין את לבה לכל הדורות שלא יוכלו לקיים את מצות תמים תהיה ותבכה בכי גדול ונורא לפני בוראה ותאמר התחנונים האלה. |
On the night before the surgery, isolate yourself and meditate on all the generations who were not able to fulfill the mitzvah of being whole— cry great and awful tears before your Creator, and say these prayers. |
וָאֹמַר מִי־יִתֶּן־לִּי אֵבֶר כַּיּוֹנָה אָעוּפָה וְאֶשְׁכֹּנָה׃ (תהלים נה:ז) אֲ-דֹנָי שְׂפָתַי תִּפְתָּח וּפִי יַגִּיד תְּהִלָּתֶךָ׃ (תהלים נא:יז) |
And I said, “Who will give me a limb like a dove? I could fly off and dwell!” (Psalms 55:7) My Master, open my lips, and my mouth with tell Your praise. (Psalms 51:17) |
אֱלֹקַי עַד שֶׁנּוֹצַרְתִּי אֵינִי כְּדַאי וְעַכְשָׁו שֶׁנּוֹצַרְתִּי כְּאִלּוּ לֹא נוֹצַרְתִּי. הִנְנִי עֲרֵלַת שְׂפָתַיִם וּבְכֵן אֲנִי עוֹמֶדֶת לְפָנֶיךָ כִּכְלִי מָלֵא בּוּשָׁה וּכְלִמָּה. |
My G-d, before I was created I was not worthy, and now that I have been created it is as if I have not been created. Look, my lips are uncircumcised, and so I stand before You like a vessel full of shame and embarrassment. |
יְהִי רָצוֹן מִלְּפִיךָ ה׳ אֱלֹקַי וֶאֱלֹקֵי אִמּוֹתַי שֶׁלֹּא אֶגְלֶה עוֹד. הַטּוֹב כִּי לֹא כָלוּ רַחֲמֶיךָ, כַּלָּה בְּרַחֲמֶיךָ אֶת גּוֹלָתִי. הַמְּרַחֵם כִּי לֹא תַּמּוּ חֲסָדֶיךָ, גַּלֵּה בַּחֲסָדֶיךָ אֶת עֶרְוָתִי. וַחֲתוֹם אֶת בְּרִיתְךָ בִּבְשָׂרִי אוֹת עוֹלָם. כְּשֵׁם שֶׁקָּרַעְתְּ אֶת הַיָּם, כֵּן בִּקְרִיעַת סִימַן רֹעַ גְּזַר מִינִי עֲשֵׂנִי תְּמִימָה עַמְּךָ אֱלֹקַי. וּבְכֵן בֹּשֶׁת עֲלוּמַי אֶשְׁכַּח בַּל אֶזְכְּרֶנָּה עוֹד, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר אַל־תִּירְאִי כִּי־לֹא תֵבוֹשִׁי וְאַל־תִּכָּלְמִי כִּי לֹא תַחְפִּירִי כִּי בֹשֶׁת עֲלוּמַיִךְ תִּשְׁכָּחִי וְחֶרְפַּת אַלְמְנוּתַיִךְ לֹא תִזְכְּרִי־עוֹד. (ישעיה נד:ד) |
May it be Your will, Hashem my G-d and G-d of my mothers, that I be in exile no more. Oh, Good One whose compassion is endless, end in Your compassion my exile! Oh, Compassionate One whose kindness does not cease, reveal in Your kindness my nakedness! And seal in my flesh Your pact as a sign to the world. Just like You split the sea, so too when the sign of the evil decree of my genitals is split open, make me whole with You, my G-d. And then I will forget the shame of my youth, never to recall it again, as it is said, “Do not fear, for you will not be shamed, and do not be embarrassed, for you will not be disgraced— for you will forget the shame of your youth, and you will never recall the disgrace of your widowhood again.” (Isaiah 54:4) |
וּבְכֵן אָבִיא אוֹתְךָ, אָהוּב, לְגַנִּי. כִּי עַכְשָׁו אֲנִי גַּן נָעוּל מַעְיָן חָתוּם, וְאַחַר שֶׁתַּחְתֹּם אֶת בְּרִיתְךָ בִּבְשָׂרִי אָז תִּקְרָא עָלַי אֶת מָה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר כֻּלָּךְ יָפָה רַעְיָתִי וּמוּם אֵין בָּךְ. כִּי עַכְשָׁו קוֹלְךָ דּוֹפֵק בְּלִבִּי לִפְתֹּחַ לְךָ אֶת מֵעַי הַהוֹמִים עָלֶיךָ, וְאַחַר שֶׁתַּעֲשֵׂנִי תְּמִימָה אָז תִּקְרָאֵנִי אֲחֹתִי רַעְיָתִי יוֹנָתִי תַמָּתִי, וָאָקוּם לִפְתֹּחַ לָךְ. בָּרִאשׁוֹנָה אָמְרוּ עֲלֵי אָחוֹת לָנוּ קְטַנָּה וְשָׁדַיִם אֵין לָהּ מַה נַּעֲשֶׂה לַאֲחוֹתֵנוּ בַּיּוֹם שֶׁיְּדֻבַּר בָּהּ. וְעַכְשָׁו כְּבוֹא הַיּוֹם אֲנִי חוֹמָה וְשָׁדַי מִגְדָּלוֹת. וּבְעֶצֶם הַיּוֹם הַזֶּה יְהִי רָצוֹן שֶׁאֶהְיֶה בְּעֵינֶיךָ כְּמוֹצֵאת שָׁלוֹם. אֶת כָּל הוֹן בֵּיתִי נָתַתִּי בְּאַהֲבָה, אַל תִּבְזֵנִי וְאַל תִּתְּשֵׁנִי אֱלֹקֵי יִשְׁעִי. תְּבִיאֵנִי, מֶלֶךְ, חֲדָרֶיךָ. תְּשַׁכְּנֵנִי בִּבְשָׂרִי, תְּשַׂמְּחֵנִי בְּלִבִּי וּתְגִילֵנִי בִּכְבוֹדִי. תִּפְנֶה דֶּרֶךְ לְךָ וְתוֹדִיעֵנִי אֹרַח חַיִּים שֹׂבַע שְׂמָחוֹת אֶת פָּנֶיךָ. אֶבֶן מָאֲסוּ הַבּוֹנִים הָיְתָה לְרֹאשׁ פִּנָּה: (תהלים קיח:כב) לֹא אָמוּת כִּי אֶחְיֶה וַאֲסַפֵּר מַעֲשֶׂה יָ-הּ: (תהלים קיח:יז) אָמֵן וְאָמֵן. |
And then I will bring You, Beloved, to my garden. For now I am a locked garden, a sealed spring,[1] Song of Songs 4:12 and after You seal Your pact in my flesh, say to me what is said, All of you is beautiful, my beloved, and there is no blemish in you![2] Song of Songs 4:7 For now Your voice pounds[3] Song of Songs 5:2 in my heart to open my yearning insides to You,[4] Song of Songs 5:4 and after You make me whole, call me My sister, My beloved, My dove, My perfect girl,[5] Song of Songs 6:9 and I will arise to open to You.[6] Song of Songs 5:5 At first they said about me, Our sister is small, and has no breasts— what shall we do for our sister on the day she is spoken for?[7] Song of Songs 8:8 And now, as the day is coming, I am a wall, and my breasts are towers.[8] Song of Songs 8:10 And at the heart of the day itself, may it be Your will that I become in Your eyes a woman who finds peace.[9] Song of Songs 8:10 I have given all my wealth for love[10] Song of Songs 8:7 — do not shame me and do not abandon me, G-d of my redemption![11] Psalms 27:9 Bring me, King, to Your chambers![12] cf. Song of Songs 1:4 Let me dwell in my flesh, make me happy in my heart, and let me rejoice in my dignity! Open the path to You, and let me know the way to a life full of joys in Your presence![13] cf. Psalms 16:9-10 The stone the builders rejected has become the lodestone! (Psalms 118:22) I will not die, for I will live and tell the works of G-d! (Psalms 118:17) Amen, amen. |
מִכְתָּם לְדָוִד שָׁמְרֵנִי אֵ-ל כִּי־חָסִיתִי בָךְ׃ אָמַרְתְּ לַה׳ אֲדֹנָי אָתָּה טוֹבָתִי בַּל־עָלֶיךָ׃ לִקְדוֹשִׁים אֲשֶׁר־בָּאָרֶץ הֵמָּה וְאַדִּירֵי כָּל־חֶפְצִי־בָם׃ יִרְבּוּ עַצְּבוֹתָם אַחֵר מָהָרוּ בַּל־אַסִּיךְ נִסְכֵּיהֶם מִדָּם וּבַל־אֶשָּׂא אֶת־שְׁמוֹתָם עַל־שְׂפָתָי׃ ה׳ מְנָת־חֶלְקִי וְכוֹסִי אַתָּה תּוֹמִיךְ גּוֹרָלִי׃ חֲבָלִים נָפְלוּ־לִי בַּנְּעִמִים אַף־נַחֲלָת שָׁפְרָה עָלָי׃ אֲבָרֵךְ אֶת־ה׳ אֲשֶׁר יְעָצָנִי אַף־לֵילוֹת יִסְּרוּנִי כִלְיוֹתָי׃ שִׁוִּיתִי ה׳ לְנֶגְדִּי תָמִיד כִּי מִימִינִי בַּל־אֶמּוֹט׃ לָכֵן שָׂמַח לִבִּי וַיָּגֶל כְּבוֹדִי אַף־בְּשָׂרִי יִשְׁכֹּן לָבֶטַח׃ כִּי לֹא־תַעֲזֹב נַפְשִׁי לִשְׁאוֹל לֹא־תִתֵּן חֲסִידְךָ לִרְאוֹת שָׁחַת׃ תּוֹדִיעֵנִי אֹרַח חַיִּים שֹׂבַע שְׂמָחוֹת אֶת־פָּנֶיךָ נְעִמוֹת בִּימִינְךָ נֶצַח׃ (תהלים יז) |
A mikhtam of David’s. Protect me, G-d, for I have taken shelter in You. I thought, “Hashem, you are my Master,” but my goodness is not on you. About the holy ones who are in the earth, the paragons that held all my desire— may their sorrows multiply; they have paid to marry the Other! I would not pour their libations any more than blood, I would not set their names on my lips! Hashem is the amount of my portion and my cup— You uphold my lot! Pains befell me during pleasure; ah, my inheritance seemed beautiful to me! I bless Hashem who has counselled me— ah, each night my insides punish me! I constantly set Hashem across from me, as if at hand, so that I cannot stumble. Therefore my heart is happy, and my dignity rejoices— ah, my flesh could dwell securely! For You would not abandon my soul to the Pit; You would not let your devoted stare into the abyss! Make me know the way to a life replete the joys of Your presence, the eternal pleasures that are in Your hand! (Psalms 16) |
ומן הראוי שתישן מעט ותרבה בתחנונים ובלימוד בזכות הנהרגים על קידוש השם כל הלילה. כי מכל מקום לא תוכל לישן בלילה הנורא הזה. התהלים האלה מסוגלים לה בלילה הזה – ל”ה, פ”ד, נ”ה, ט”ז, קי”ג. ועוד תקרא את ההפטרות דנחמתא. |
The best thing for you to do now is to sleep little, spending your time in prayer and study all night in the merit of those who have been killed to sanctify the Name. Because either way, you are not going to be able to sleep on this awesome night. These psalms are particularly meaningful on this night: Psalms 35, Psalms 84, Psalms 55, Psalms 16, Psalms 113. And you should also read the Haftaros of Compassion. |
וטוב שתלמד את שיעור הקומה של השכינה והוא נמצא בתיקוני זוהר קמ”ד ע”ב. ותכווין להרגיש את השכינה שוכנת לנגדה. ועוד יש ללמוד את המבוא לספר חובות הלבבות. |
You should also learn the description of the body of Shechina, which can be found in Tikkunei Zohar on page 144b. And you should meditate on feeling the presence of Shechina across from you. And you can also learn the introduction to Duties of the Heart. |
“Prayer for the Night Before Surgery” (תפלה לליל ערב הניתוח) by the Em haBanim is the third of seven prayers offered in their סדר תפילות לניתוח שינוי מין (The Em haBanim’s Prayers for Vaginoplasty).
Notes
“תפלה לליל ערב הניתוח | Prayer for the Night Before Vaginoplasty Surgery, by the Em haBanim” is shared through the Open Siddur Project with a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International copyleft license.
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ויהי נעם אדני אלהינו עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננה עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננהו "May the pleasantness of אדֹני our elo’ah be upon us; may our handiwork be established for us — our handiwork, may it be established." –Psalms 90:17
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