how to leave an abusive relationship, how to leave mitzrayim

1   it is not necessary
      to figure out ahead of time
        that it is an abusive relationship
   but it might help

2   some leave smiling, pleasant
      handing out money and compliments at each stop
   some leave quietly in the middle
      of the night
   or stowed away in someone else’s suitcase
but you have to be the one to leave —
   even if you die along the way —
otherwise (even if someone else takes you out)
   you will still, always, be there

3   you leave any way you can

4   with your whole heart
   or with it in shreds —
      trust me, it will grow back,
   those earthworms learned it
      from us

5   you probably won’t succeed
      by fighting —
   not with body
      and not with law —
   though some do

   you might succeed with smarts
      but to do so
      you have to really know who it is
         you are leaving
      how tangled the chains of logic
         in their own minds:
      if you can think like a martial artist
         you will be fine

   this is self-defense
      you can do this
         and you will

6   you can do it by singing
      like the von Trapps^[1] I am referring here to the story of the Von Trapps as I knew it from the movie “The Sound of Music.” It turns out that the fictionalized account in the movie is quite different from the family’s real-life departure from Nazi Austria. 

7   if you can figure out a way
to make them think it was their idea
for you to leave
that will make it
   much easier
  for a little while
which is just long enough
   if you are ready to seize it
   and leave with your whole being

of course
   they might change their minds
and go after you
   in all the ways they can
   (and they will be faster than you)
but even if they do
            you will already be gone
   by the full moonlight
      of a midnight sky
and their eyes will never
   readjust
and you will already
            be gone

they would not recognize you
in a crowd
because
they never saw you
in the first place

8   tell the story
as many times as you can
for as long as you need to
so that you don’t follow the urge to go back

9   if you can, put a sea
between you and them
and if you can make it look
like it was the sea
that killed them
yes that will help too

(if you can make yourself think they
died
you will feel safer
but a part of them died
a long time ago)

10   if you see other people
traveling barefoot
with a familiar look in their eye
and canteens near empty
and a longing for cucumbers
so deep it could almost kill them

be kind to them      tend to them
feed them if you have food
feed them kindness
and the expansiveness
   in your own eyes
to show them the way on

not because
they need this
but because otherwise
you might still wake up one day
   after all these years
back in Goshen
   with pyramid dust in your hair

11   (un)fortunately,
   modern therapy will not be invented/ developed
for over a thousand years
   by one of your own of course

but narrative therapy, art therapy,
music therapy, dance therapy
– and some say certain bitter herbs –
woven into the tradition
healing along the way

maybe in another few (thousand) generations
maybe in another few (hundred) years
   you will be free

12   when you tell the story
   tell it so that
      pharaoh doesn’t recognize himself
         (in the story)
   until he has already taken a bath
   in the reed sea
      (and woken up with better perspective)

   so that he doesn’t
      recognize himself in the story
   until you are free

13   for a while
   you might still dream
   about narrowness

   for a long time
you might dream
   of being eaten by fish
   on your way out

when in truth
   they were such sweet company

for a long time
you will wake up in the middle of the night
with the names of all
   of the dead babies
recited in your head: a litany

for a long time
   you will still dream
of chariots coming to the shore
   and attacking you
      while you dance

o my child
these are the dreams of the living
these are the dreams of the free

we paid dearly
   for those nightmares

and this is why
   so many times a day
   and on shabat when we slow down
   and once a year at seder time
we say:

      we
      were freed
      from bondage in mitzrayim

it is    a mantra

it is    a request

it    is    a    question

14   on your way out
   or before you leave
you are not to steal
but remember to borrow gifts   receive gifts
from your neighbors

you will know them when you see them

they might be
   some piece of truth
that could not fit
   in slave quarters

they might be
   some knowing
residue of frogs

they might be
   simply the sight
   of the narrows
   as you turn back to see it
         from afar
   and the sight of each other
      walking away
      together
      free

15

there has been some confusion
so here’s to clarify:

in your life    you will enter
bathtubs      hugs
tunnels      sleeping bags
     MRI machines      
times      of focus
times    of rushing

most of them
   you will enter and leave freely
most of them
   will not be mitzrayim

16

you will leave mitzrayim
   many times
      but

it is only mitzrayim
once you have already left

17

forgive yourself
for having come in the first place
and for having stayed
as long as you did

18

how to leave Egypt?
it’s different every time

19

occasionally, if needed – and only if you have the stomach for it –
be a plague

20

you can leave
without going anywhere
but only if your bags are packed

21

the idea that we all left together
is pure fiction

I mean it is 100% true spiritually
there is no before or after in the Torah

but how it really works is:

if she can leave
then I can too

if they left
and made it
and danced
and are still dancing
then here we go