🆕 💬 מְגִלַּת הַמְּתִיקוּת | Megillat HaMetiḳut (Scroll of the Sweetness), by Noraa Neither Kaplan (17 Tishrei, 5787)

Contributor(s):

Isaac Gantwerk Mayer (transcription & naqdanut) and Noraa Neither Kaplan

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28 September 2026 under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike (CC BY-SA) 4.0 International copyleft license

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21st century C.E., 58th century A.M., North American Jewry

מגלת המתיקות Megillat HaMetiḳut (Scroll of the Sweetness), written and sealed by the hand of Noraa Neither Kaplan, upon the deliverance of the Jews from confectionary catastrophe on the 17th of Tishrei, 5787 (the 28th of September, 2026). (obviously the ending is just a shitpost, i have no desire to visit judgment upon Marco Capurso, CEO of Ferrara Candy)

[Note: in the cantillated text, blue indicates the Eikhah melody while red indicates a special niggun. (Refer to the recording for the reference melody.)]

Source (Hebrew)	Translation (English)
א׳	Ⅰ
וַיְהִ֖י בִּימֵ֣י פֶֿרַ֑רָה הִ֣יא פֶֿרַ֗רָה הַמוֹלֶ֙כֶת֙ עַ֣ל־יוֹתֵ֔ר מֵאַרְבַּעִ֖ים מִינֵ֥י מַמְתַּקִּֽים׃ בַּיָּמִ֖ים הָהֵ֑ם כְּשֶׁ֣בֶת ׀ פֶרַ֣רָה הַמַּלְכָּ֗ה עַ֚ל כִּסֵּ֣א מַלְכוּתֶ֔יהָ אֲשֶׁ֖ר בְּשִׁיקַ֥גוֹ הַבִּירָֽה׃ וַתַּ֤עַשׂ הַמַּלְכָּה֙ מִשְׁתֶּ֔ה לְכׇל־שָׂרֶ֖יהָ וַעֲבָדֶ֑יהָ חֵ֣יל פַרְלִ֣י וְשַׂתֵ֗ר עֹשֵׂי֙ עַכְשָׁ֣יו וְאַֽחַר־כָּ֔ךְ וְעֹשֵׂ֖י פְּרִ֥י הַשִּׁיזֶֽף׃ וַתֹּ֛אמֶר קָנִ֖יתִי בֶּ֣טֶן הָרִיבָּ֑ה עֹשֵׂ֖י שְׁעוּעִיּ֥וֹת שֶׁלְּגֶֽלִי׃	¹ It happened during the days of Ferrara — who? Ferrara who reigned over more than forty kinds of candy! ² In those days, when Queen Ferrara sat upon her royal throne in the capital city of Shikago, ³ the queen held a feast for all of her officials and employees, for the officers of Farley and Sather, makers of Now and Afterwards and Fruit of the Jujube. ⁴ She said, “I have acquired Belly of the Jam, makers of ‘jelly’ beans.”
בִּשְׁנַ֤ת שָׁלוֹשׁ֙ לִקְנִיָ֣ת בֶּטֶן־הָרִיבָּ֔ה גִּדְלָ֞ה פֶרַ֧רָה הַמַּלְכָּ֛ה אֶת־מַ֥רְקוֹ קָפּ֖וּרְסוֹ וַתִּנַשְּׂאֵ֑הוּ וַתָּשֶׂם֙ אֶת־כִּסְא֔וֹ מֵעַ֛ל כׇּל־הַשָּׂרִ֖ים אֲשֶׁ֥ר אִתָּֽהּ׃	⁵ In the third year of her acquisition of Belly of the Jam, Queen Ferrara promoted Marko Kapurso. She gave him a raise and seated him higher than all of her other officials.
וַיֹּ֤אמֶר מַ֙רְקוֹ֙ לַמַּלְכָּ֣ה פֶרַ֔רָה יֶשְׁנ֣וֹ סוּכָּרִיָּֽה־אֶחָ֗ד מְפֻזֶ֤רֶת וְנִזְרֶ֙קֶת֙ בְּר֣וֹב בָּתֵּ֣י כְּנֶ֔סֶת שֶׁבָּהֶ֖ם מִתְאַסְּפִ֣ים הַיְּהוּדִ֑ים בְּמוֹעֲדֵ֖י שִׂמְחָתָֽם׃ עַם־ז֞וּ מִנְהֲגֵיהֶ֣ם ׀ שֹׁנ֣וֹת מִכׇּל־עָ֗ם וְאֶת־מִנְהָגַ֙יִךְ֙ אֵינָ֣ם עֹשִׂ֔ים וְלַמַּלְכָּ֥ה אֵ֥ין־שֹׁוָ֖ה לְהַנִּיחָֽם׃ כִּ֣י בְּ֠פֶ֠רֶךְ לֹקְחִ֨ים הַיְּהוּדִ֜ים אֶת־מַמְתַּקְּכֶ֗ן אֶת־פֵּר֛וֹת אֲבָנַ֥יִךְ הַטוֹב֖וֹת אַשֶֽׁר־נָֽשְׁקָ֣ה הַחַמָּ֑ה וּבָהֶם֙ סוֹקְלִ֣ים אֶת־בְּנֵיהֶ֔ם הַסּוֹרֵרִ֥ים וּמוֹרִ֖ים בָּהֶֽם׃ אִם־עַל־הַמַּלְכָּ֣ה ט֔וֹב יִכָּתֵ֛ב לְאַבֵּ֖ד אֶת־הַסוּכָּרִיָּ֣ה הַזֹּ֑את מִפְּנֵ֖י הָאָֽרֶץ׃	⁶ Marko said to Queen Ferrara, “There is a certain candy, dispersed and thrown in most of the synagogues in which the Jews gather for their joyous occasions. ⁷ This people, their customs are different from all other people’s, and they do not follow your customs. It isn’t in your Majesty’s interest to let them be. ⁸ For these Jews cruelly take your confections, the fruits of your precious gems which the sun itself has kissed, and they stone their stubborn and rebellious sons with them! ⁹ If it pleases your Majesty, let it be written to wipe this candy off the face of the Earth.
וַתָּ֧סַר הַמַּלְכָּ֛ה אֶת־טַבַּעְתָ֖הּ מֵעַ֣ל יָדָ֑הּ וַתִּתְנָ֛הּ לְמַ֖רְקוֹ צֹרֵ֥ר הַיְּהוּדִֽים׃ וַיִּקָּרְאוּ֩ סֹפְרֵ֨י הַמַּלְכָּ֜ה בַּחֹ֣דֶשׁ הָרִאשׁ֗וֹן^[1] הראשון — אבל האירוע הערה בחודש תשרי! אבל זה כאמר רב חסדא, דאמר רב חסדא, “למלכי אומות העולם מתשרי מנינן.” –Isaac Gantwerk Mayer בִּשְׁלוֹשָׁ֨ה עָשָׂ֣ר יוֹם֮ בּוֹ֒ וַיִּכָּתֵ֣ב כְּֽכׇל־אֲשֶׁר־צִוָּ֣ה מַ֠רְק֠וֹ בְּשֵׁ֨ם פֶרַ֤רָה הַמַּלְכָּה֙ נִכְתָּ֔ב וְנֶחְתָּ֖ם בְּטַבַּ֥עַת הַמַּלְכָּֽה׃ וְנִשְׁל֨וֹחַ סְפָרִ֜ים בְּיַ֣ד הָרָצִים֮ אֶל־כׇּל־מְדִינ֣וֹת הַמַּלְכָּה֒ לְהַשְׁמִ֣יד וּלְאַבֵּ֣ד אֶת־כׇּל־פֵּ֠ר֠וֹת אַבְנֵ֨י טוֹב֜וֹת בְּי֣וֹם אֶ֗חָד בְּאַרְבָּעָ֥ה עָשָׂ֛ר לְחֹ֥דֶשׁ הַשֵּׁנִ֖י הוּא־חֹ֥דֶשׁ אִיָֽיר׃ וַיִּקְרָ֣א פְֿרֶ֔ד דּוֹבֵ֥ר הַמַּלְכָּ֖ה לֵאמֹ֑ר תַּאֲמִ֣ינוּ אוֹ־לֹ֗א [ניגון איכה] כׇּל־זֶה֙ מִפְּנֵ֣י שְׁאֵ֣ין־רָצ֔וֹן לְפִּרְיָ֖הּ בְּכׇל־הָאָֽרֶץ׃	¹⁰ The queen removed the signet ring from her hand and gave it to Marko, Enemy of the Jews. ¹¹ The queen’s scribes were called on the thirteenth day of the first month. They wrote down all that Marko commanded in the name of Queen Ferrara, and sealed it with the queen’s signet ring. ¹² Written instructions were dispatched by couriers across all of the queen’s countries, to destroy and put an end to all the fruits of the gemstones on the fourteenth day of the second month, which is Iyar. ¹³ And Fred, the queen’s spokesman said, “Believe it or do not believe it, but all of this is [happening] because there is no desire for her fruits upon the Earth.”
ב׳	Ⅱ
[ניגון איכה] וַיְהִ֗י כִרְא֤וּ הַיְּהוּדִים֙ אֶת־כׇּל־אֲשֶׁ֣ר נַעֲשָׂ֔ה וַיִּקְרְע֤וּ הַיְּהוּדִים֙ אֶת־בִּגְדֵיהֶ֔ם וַיִּ֥לְבְּשׁוּ שַׂ֖ק וָאֵ֑פֶר וַיֵּצְאוּ֙ בְּת֣וֹךְ עָרֵיהֶ֔ם וַיִּזְעָק֛וּ זְעָקָ֥ה גְדוֹלָ֖ה וּמָרָֽה׃ וַתָּבֹ֥אוּ אֶל־הַמָּק֖וֹם ׀ הַחֲכָמ֑וֹת וַתְּקוֹנְנוּ֙ אֶת־הַקִּינָ֣ה הַזֹּ֔את עַל־הַפֵּר֛וֹת אַבְנֵ֥י טוֹב֖וֹת אַשֶׁר־נָֽשְׁקָ֥ה הַחַמָּֽה׃	¹ When the Jews saw all that had happened, [they] tore their garments and dressed in sackcloth and ashes. They went forth through their cities crying a great and bitter cry. ² The wise women came to the Place and sang this dirge for the fruit of the gemstones which the sun had kissed.
מַמְתַּקֵּי֙ יִשְׂרָאֵ֔ל עַל־בָּמוֹתֶ֖יךָ אֵינָ֑ם אֵ֥יךְ נָפְל֖וּ מְתוּקִֽים׃ הַצֳּרִי֙ אֵ֣ין בְּשִׁיקַ֔גוֹ מִי־יִתֵּ֥ן לְרֹאשִׁ֖י מַמְתָּ֑ק מִי־יַשְׁלִ֥יךְ עָלָ֖י סוּכָּרִיָּֽה׃ אֵ֠יכָ֠ה שָׁבְתָ֨ה ק֤וֹל חָתָן֙ מִן־הַבִּימָ֔ה אֵיכָ֤ה כָּלְתָה֙ ק֣וֹל כַּלָּה קוֹל֖וֹת בְּנֵ֥י מִצְוָֽה׃ אֵ֚יךְ נָפְל֣וּ מְתוּקִ֔ים וַיֹּאבְד֖וּ כְּלֵ֥י שִׂמְחָֽה׃ [עד כאן ניגון]	³ Candies of Israel, you are not upon your high places! How the sweet ones have fallen! ⁴ Is there no balm in Shikago? Who will give my head confection, who will throw candy at me?! ⁵ How has the voice of the groom departed from the bimah? How has the voice of the bride come to an end, with the voices of b’ney mitzvah? ⁶ How the sweet ones have fallen, and the vessels of joy have perished!
וַתַּ֤עַל שַׁוְעָתָן֙ אֶל־הַמָּק֔וֹם וְנִשְׁמַ֥ע נַאֲקָתָ֖ן בַּמָר֑וֹם וְזִכְר֥וֹן בְּרִיתֵיהֶ֖ן נִזְכַּ֥ר מִמָֽעָל׃ וַיְהִי֙ לִתְקוּפַ֣ת הַשָּׁנָ֔ה כַּאֲשֶׁ֥ר נִפְקְד֖וּ צֶאֱצָאֵ֣י שָׂרָ֑ה וַיִּתְפַּלֵּ֥ל כׇּל־הָעָ֖ם בְּמַ֥ר נָֽפֶשׁ׃ וַיאֹמְר֗וּ [בניגון איכה] אֵ֚יךְ נֹאמַ֣ר זֶה־לָזֶּ֔ה לְשָׁנָ֥ה טוֹבָ֖ה וּמְתוּקָ֗ה כִּ֨י אֵ֤ין מָתוֹק֙ עַל־חִכֵּ֔נוּ טַעֲמ֥וּ וּרְא֖וּ מַה־מָרָ֥ה נִשְׁמָתֵֽנוּ׃ [עד כאן ניגון]	⁷ Their cry ascended to the Place. Their groaning was heard on high, and the memory of their covenant was remembered above. ⁸ And when the turn of the year came, at the time when the descendants of Sarah are recalled, the whole people prayed with bitter souls. ⁹ They said, “How can we tell each other ‘To a good and sweet year!’ when there is nothing sweet upon our palate? Taste and see how bitter our spirits are.”
ג׳	Ⅲ
אַחַ֣ר ׀ הַדְּבָרִ֣ים הָאֵ֗לֶּה בְּי֤וֹם ראשׁוֹן֙ שֶֽׁל־חַ֣ג הָאָסִ֔יף וַיָּ֥שֶׁב הָר֖וּחַ וַיָּ֣רֶד הַגָּ֑שֶׁם עַ֛ל כׇּל־סֻכּ֥וֹת הַיְּהוּדִ֖ים בְּאַרְצ֥וֹת בְּרִיתֵיהֶֽם׃ וַיֵּ֣צֵא מַרְקוֹ֩ בַּיּ֤וֹם הַהוּא֙ שָׂמֵ֣חַ וְטוֹב־לֵ֔ב כִּרְאוֹת֙ הָאֵ֣בֶל וְיָג֔וֹן שֶׁכָּת֖וּב בַּעִתּוֹנֵ֣י הַיְהוּדִ֑ים [בניגון איכה] כִּ֗י בְּי֨וֹם שֶׁלֹּקְחִ֤ים לָהֶם֙ פְּרִ֣י עֵץ־הָדָ֔ר הִסְפִּ֥ידוּ פְּרִ֖י אַבְנֵ֥י טוֹבֽוֹת׃ [עד כאן ניגון]	¹ After these things came to pass, on the first day of the Festival of Ingathering, the wind came and the rain fell on all of the sukkot belonging to the Jews in the Land of their Covenant. ² That day, Marko went forth feeling happy and quite pleased [with himself] when he saw the grief and mourning which the Jewish newspapers wrote of. For on the day when [the Jews] take for themselves the fruit of the tree of splendor, they were eulogizing the fruits of gemstones.
אֲבָ֡ל אַחַרֵ֣י שְׁ֠נֵי הַיָּמִ֨ים הַטּוֹבִ֜ים כִּי־בָ֣א ׀ ח֣וֹל הַמּוֹעֵ֗ד וַיָּבֹ֛א ק֥וֹל מְבַשֵּׂ֖ר לְאַבְלֵ֣י מַמְתָּ֑ק וַֽיְּבַשֵּׂ֨ר לָהֶ֤ם בְּשׂוֹרוֹת֙ טוֹב֣וֹת נֶחָמ֔וֹת עַ֛ל פְּרִ֥י אַבְנֵיהֶ֖ם הַטוֹבֽוֹת׃ וַיִּכְתֹּב֙ הַנֻשַּׁ֔ק הַמְּקַבֵּ֛ל נְשִׁיקָ֥ה מִן־הַחַמָּ֖ה אֶת־הַדְּבָרִ֣ים הָאֵ֑לֶּה וַיִּשְׁלָ֨ח סְפָרִ֜ים אֶל־כׇּל־הַיְּהוּדִ֗ים אֲשֶׁ֤ר בְּכָל־מְדִינוֹת֙ פֶֿרַ֣רָה הַמַּלְכָּ֔ה הַקְּרוֹבִ֖ים וְהָרְחוֹקִֽים׃	³ But after the two holy days [passed,] when the secular time of the festival arrived, the voice of the herald came to the candy’s mourners. It brought them good tidings which comforted them with regards to the fruits of gemstones. ⁴ The kissed one, who had received a kiss from the sun, wrote these words and sent copies of them to all of the Jews in all of Queen Ferrara’s countries, near and far.
כֹּ֚ה אַמָ֣ר גִ֔ים נְשִּׂ֛יא מְקַבְּלֵ֖י נְשִׁיקַ֣ת הַשָּׁ֑מֶשׁ מְגַדֵּ֥ל הֲדָרִֽים׃ הֵסֵ֨בּוּ אׇזְנַ֤י קַשּׁוּבוֹת֙ לִזַ֣עֲקַתְכֶ֔ם וְגַ֥ם לְצַעֲקַתְכֶ֖ם נִפְתַּ֣ח לִבִּ֑י לַמְר֛וֹת שְׁאֵינִ֥י יוֹדֵ֖עַ לָֽמָּה׃ אִ֣ם ׀ פֶֿרַ֣רָה הַמַּלְכָּ֗ה לֹ֤א רוֹצָה֙ לַעֲשׂ֣וֹת אֶת־סֻכָּרִיַּתְכֶ֔ם ע֛וֹד אַבֲקֵּ֥שׁ אַ֖חֵר שֶׁחָ֣פֵץ בּ֑וֹ וְאִם־לֹ֥א אֶמְצֵ֖א אֶעֱשֶֽׂה׃ וְלֹ֤א אָסִיר֙ מְתִיק֣וּת פַּרְדֵסִ֔י א֥וֹ אָמִ֖ישׁ מִ֣יץ פִּרְיִ֑י מִכֶּ֖ם לְעוֹלָמִֽים׃	⁵ “Thus says Jim, president of the recipients of the sun’s kisses, a grower of citruses: ⁶ My ears have been made attentive to your shout. My heart, too, has been opened to your cry, though I do not know why. ⁷ If Queen Ferrara does not want to make your candies anymore, I will find another who desires to do so, and if I cannot find [someone,] I [myself] will make them. ⁸ And I will never diminish the sweetness of my orchard, or withhold the juice of my fruit from you.
כׇל־הָעָ֖ם צָהֲלָ֣ה וְשָׂמֵחָ֑ה כְשׇׁמְע֖וֹ אֶת־כׇּל־זֶֽה׃ וְמַרְק֖וֹ נִבְעַ֣ת לִפְנֵיהֶ֑ם וַיֹּאחֲזֻ֤הוּ יְהוּדִים֙ וַיִּסְקְלֻ֔הוּ בָּאֲבָנִ֥ים טוֹבִ֖ים וַיָּמֹֽת׃ לַיְּהוּדִ֕ים הָֽיְתָ֥ה אוֹרָ֖ה וְשִׂמְחָ֑ה וְשָׂשֹׂ֖ן וּמְתִיקֽוּת׃	⁹ The entire people cheered and rejoiced when they heard all of this, ¹⁰ while Marko cringed before them. The Jews took hold of him and stoned him with gemstones, and he died. ¹¹ The Jews had light, happiness, joy, and sweetness.
	Because of this great miracle, and because of the divine mysteries revealed through its inner workings which our Sages taught us to recognize, I, Noraa Neither Kaplan of the city of Providence which is in the Lands of the Covenant, hereby irrevocably enjoin upon the Jewish people a day of feasting and gladness, which will be observed in this year and in every year to come on the seventeenth day of Tishrei (except in years when Sukkot begins on a Thursday, in which case this festive day will be moved to the eighteenth of Tishrei, out of respect for the sanctity of Shabbat.) To show our gratitude for this great miracle, Jews will forevermore sing Hallel on Yaz Tishrei, and they will shake their lulav and etrog in memory of the citrus growers who saved our people in this time of trouble. Yaz Tishrei will be called z’man simchateinu, a time of our joy. To honor this special day, Jews will henceforth add Ya’aleh VeYavo to Shemona Esreh and Birkat HaMazon. May the L-rd be unto us a help, a help!!!!

“Megillat HaMetiḳut,” by Noraa Neither Kaplan, was first shared by the author in vocalized Hebrew with an English translation, and announced via the Shitpost the Beit Midrash Facebook group on 28 September 2026, the third day of Sukkot 5787. Isaac Gantwerk Mayer cantillated and read the text.

Recordings

Notes

Notes
1	הראשון — אבל האירוע הערה בחודש תשרי! אבל זה כאמר רב חסדא, דאמר רב חסדא, “למלכי אומות העולם מתשרי מנינן.” –Isaac Gantwerk Mayer

Isaac Gantwerk Mayer (transcription & naqdanut)

From a family of musicians, Isaac Gantwerk Mayer believes that creative art is one of the most powerful ways to get in touch with the divine. He composes music and poetry in Hebrew and English. (He also translates and authors his own original works.) Isaac runs a Jewish music transcription service, which will transcribe and set any Jewish music in any language, recorded or written. Contact his service on Facebook or via his music blog.

Noraa Neither Kaplan

Noraa Neither Kaplan is a Jew of the city of Providence, Rhode Island.

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ויהי נעם אדני אלהינו עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננה עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננהו׃ (תהלים צ:יז) · "May the pleasantness of אדֹני our elo’ah be upon us; may our handiwork be established for us — our handiwork, may it be established." (Psalms 90:17)